13 things I learned about British Royalty from watching the Royal wedding

England is a class-centric society: everyone is aware of each other’s social standing. The British Royals represent the highest point of the social pyramid, which is probably why the entire world was captivated by the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Their wedding was a brief burst of illumination onto the normally arcane aristocratic class in the UK – and, during this brief burst, I learned 13 things about the fancy British royals.

British royals love to high-five, but they hate making physical contact with the lower classes. Thus, the “air high five” is used instead.

Much like the T-1000 from Terminator 2, British royalty are made of liquid metal and can shape-shift at will.

Royal men are extremely paranoid about their zippers being down. Not so for commoners (Kate’s dad).

Thomas More was beheaded for in 1535 for refusing to submit to Henry VIII’s Church of England. Since then, priests have been forced to wear arrows on their shirts pointing to their heads.

In Royal circles, peeing on a gate in front of the Queen is not considered disrespectful.

The Royals find mosquitoes extremely annoying.

Members of the Royal entourage are prone to sharting.

A Royal is only allowed to smile when making direct, intense, unobstructed eye contact with another Royal.

Unless held firmly in place, a Royal’s head will tilt backwards to facilitate looking down upon commoners.

Royal men are considered fashionable if they attach little girls to their right sleeves and let them dangle in the air.

The ground Royals walk on is pristine and coated with red carpet; for commoners, it reverts back to its natural dirty, grayish hue.

Much like the Bloods and the Crips in Los Angeles, Royals divide themselves into two gangs based on color: Light Goldenrod Yellow and Baby Blue.

Because they cannot socialize easily outside of the Royal class, certain norms regarding dating and relationships are relaxed for the Royals.

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