6 characters I see every day on the Tallinn trolley

Being an environmentally-conscious citizen (read: too poor to afford a car), I take public transportation to work every day at 8:30 in the morning. And every day, I share a trolley car with the same six characters – not necessarily the same people, but the same walking stereotypes that put my 45-minute journey somewhere between “six-hour layover in Riga airport” and “fully invasive root canal” on the tolerability scale. These are the names I have given them.

The Yuppie-in-Training

Decked out in a Baltman suit that looks like it was stolen from a used car salesman’s closet, The Yuppie-in-Training is a 20-22-year-old college kid who usually hops on the trolley at Vabaduse Väljak and gets off near TTÜ. To distract himself from the lesser elements of society surrounding him, he reads the news on his iPhone – or, more frequently, his Nokia iPhone equivalent. Ask him about the state of the NASDAQ OMX Tallinn or a recent merger and between Finnish and Norwegian scrap metal companies, and he’ll blather on effortlessly. Ask him about his plans for the weekend, and his response comes less quickly.

Never in my life have I seen more young college guys wearing suits than on the Tallinn trolley. Since they always get off at the TTÜ stop, I have to wonder when computer science became a discipline with a dress code other than grease-stained t-shirt and jean shorts.

The 5 worst pick-up lines I have overheard in Tallinn

People-watching is my favorite hobby, but I think most people do it incorrectly. What’s the point of observing sober daytime behavior? The best of humanity is exhibited in bars, pubs, and clubs – at night, when everyone is drunk, lonely, and shameless. What follows are the 5 worst pick-up lines I have overheard in Tallinn.

5. “Tell me how beautiful I am in the Estonian language.”
Location: Suur-Karja (on the street), near Nimeta
Nationality of the Offender: American

Background: This one was cringe-worthy for multiple reasons. The first is that this guy was not at all beautiful; in fact, he was ugly, had a nasally, Midwestern accent, and the distended gut pouring out of the bottom of his ill-fit t-shirt looked like a bicycle tire being stepped on. Given his shave, I guessed he was in the military.

The second problem I had with this pickup line was what prefaced it: before demanding that this woman lie about his appearance, he asked, “So, what language do you speak in Estonia?”

I Want You! To embarrass your country.