Five ways Estonia can win Eurovision in 2012
I loved Getter Jaani’s performance at the Eurovision final in Düsseldorf last weekend. And as disappointing as her 24th-place, 44-point finish was, I’m glad that Estonia finally got a wake-up call: if it wants to compete seriously in Eurovision, it has to make some changes to the way it approaches the contest.
Talent, Go Away!
Greece, Ireland, Moldova, and Bosnia and Herzegovina all have two things in common: 1) they trounced Estonia in Eurovision, and 2) they’re burnt-out hellscapes that are losing population faster than a Finnish ferry in port. And when natives of those countries reach foreign soil, the first thing they do is vote for the homeland in Eurovision. It’s some sort of immigrant guilt: just because someone would rather clean
pint glasses in a soon-to-be-condemned bar in East London than perform brain surgery in their hometown, it doesn’t mean they’re not proud of their roots.
To be a contender in next year’s Eurovision, Estonia needs to send people to other European countries immediately. Start with recent college grads, since they’re the most likely to watch Eurovision: graduates of Tartu Ülikool should have a one-way RyanAir ticket stapled to their diplomas, with instructions to go forth and vote! Or, at the very least, to go forth and try to not embarrass Estonia by getting caught on camera saying the same thing over and over again while drunk.
Start a music factory
The best way to ensure that a Eurovision song does well is to test it heavily before the contest. Do people enjoy listening to it? Would they vote for it? Does it get stuck in their heads?
This is why Estonia should start a music factory. A music factory is a production studio that churns out hundreds of songs per month by different artists, puts them on the internet, and hopes they go viral. A music factory created Rebecca Black.
Estonia should turn its IT talent toward music production. If a music factory opened up in the Tehnopol, it could crank out a hit a day until something got popular on YouTube. Call each song a “start up” and engineers would line up to work on them, hoping to cash in on the next big thing.
There’s only one problem: Rebecca Black is 14 and sings about partying, and the partying that 14-year-olds do in Estonia is pretty much illegal in the rest of the world.
Submit an Old Lady
I think Europe was making a statement when it ranked Getter Jaani 24th in Eurovision: despite her talent, voting for an 18-year-old is kind of creepy. Perhaps Europeans found the process of using a phone to select a young girl unsettling.
If 18-year-old girls do exceptionally poorly at Eurovision, then old ladies must do exceptionally well: next year, Estonia should submit an 81-year-old to perform.
While an old lady won’t have the energy to bounce across the stage as Getter Jaani did, she will be able to sing with authority about topics that people find fascinating: diabetes, false teeth, chronic back and hip pain, the 1950s, adult diapers, frequent napping, elderly discounts, going to bed at 7pm, and hating everything. Rockefeller Street is about a street that doesn’t exist anywhere in the world; imagine listening to My Hip Replacement Surgery by Gaani Jetter. I don’t think we even need to vote in 2012: we already have a winner!
Submit a British Stag Party
The UK’s Blue took 11th place in Eurovision with 100 points. Since there’s no shortage of British men slithering throughout Tallinn’s Old Town wearing matching outfits, why not recruit a stag party to perform for Estonia next year?
Submitting a stag party to Eurovision 2012 would accomplish two very important things. The first is that it would reduce creep tourism to Estonia by associating the country with fat, drunken truck drivers named Liam and not beautiful, English-speaking 18-year-olds. And the second is that it would temporarily remove a stag party from Estonia.
Recruit Matt Damon
Moldova’s 2011 Eurovision performance was the most clichéd thing I’ve ever seen: a bunch of weirdos from a weird country dancing like clowns, playing weird instruments, wearing weird cones on their heads, and speaking weird, choppy English with weird accents. The only thing missing from the act was a monkey playing cymbals.
And yet, Moldova finished in 12th place with 97 points – which proves that the rest of Europe loves pointing and laughing at Eastern European stereotypes. Estonia should capitalize on that for next year’s Eurovision contest by recruiting Matt Damon, who performed the song Scottie Doesn’t Know in the most stereotype-laden movie ever filmed: Eurotrip.
Estonia should give the people of Europe what they want: someone to feel superior to. As a stand-up comedian, I know the difference between being laughed with and being laughed at. Moldova’s Eurovision performers didn’t, and they obliterated Estonia. Let’s learn from it. Besides, if Matt Damon was willing to appear in Eurotrip, he’s obviously willing to appear in anything.