Introducing the cast of Pärnu Shore

Pärnu Shore:

• Meet the cast of Pärnu Shore
• Pärnu Shore, Episode One: A rullnokk’s work is never done
• Pärnu Shore, Episode Two: All’s fair in love and shore
• Pärnu Shore, Episode Three: Between a rullnokk and a hard place
• Pärnu Shore, Season Finale: We’ll always have the shore

MTV’s new UK-based Jersey Shore spin-off, Geordie Shore, premiered last Tuesday. But MTV is currently filming another Jersey Shore spin-off: Pärnu Shore, based in Estonia’s summer capital. The cast of Pärnu Shore was selected months ago from thousands of submissions; the series is filming this summer and will air in September.

MTV chose Pärnu as the setting of its next reality series because of its similarity with the previous locations. Rullnokk culture is Guido culture with the letters ä, ü, ö, and õ: the guys are buff, steroid-injected hooligans with the singular objective of sleeping with anything that moves, and the girls are human-shaped collections of fake-tanned silicon with the singular objective of sleeping with anything that moves.

New Jersey or Estonia?

Like Jersey Shore and Geordie Shore, the cast of Pärnu Shore will have to spend the summer working – in a hamburger stand near the beach called Rullnokk’s. And they’ll also be expected to spend the majority of their time partying in Pärnu’s nightclubs and bars in true rullnokk fashion: sneaking off to the bathroom to snip home-made cocktails while wearing a pair of jeans that cost a month’s salary.

Meet the cast of Pärnu Shore:

Priit

Hometown: Tartu

Age: 26

Tagline: “If rullnokk was a cologne, I’d be wearing a bottle of it that I bought on the Tallinn-Helsinki ferry.”

Although he has lived in Tartu his entire life, Priit is proud of the fact that he has never stepped foot within 200 meters of Tartu Ülikool. Priit hates the nerds and hippies he has to deal with in Tartu, but what bothers him the most about his town are the foreign students, because he often has to wait behind them at the McDonald’s drive-through when they go there on foot.

Priit claims that Pärnu Shore wouldn’t be authentic without him as a cast member because he’s the biggest rullnokk in Estonia: he once listened to the same trance song on repeat for six straight days – while skipping work.

Jaanika

Hometown: Viljandi

Age: 22

Tagline: “If I was president of Estonia, I’d deport everyone who isn’t buff, bronzed, and braindead.”

Jaanika grew up in Viljandi but moved to Tallinn when she was 18 because going clubbing every night in a town that only has one club got repetitive. She works in a tanning salon, which she considers the best job on Earth: not only does she get an employee discount, but she spends her entire day talking exclusively to people with tans. Jaanika enrolled at Tallinn University for a semester but was expelled when her fake tan rubbed off on a number of books in the library, ruining them. Luckily, no student since then has requested The Rullnokk’s Guide to Eyebrow Sculpting.

Jaanika hopes to become famous across Estonia after appearing on Pärnu Shore, which she thinks will make it easier to launch her children’s clothing line: Rullnokk Kids. Jaanika thinks that today’s youth are not adopting rullnokk culture early enough, proven by the fact that her little brother’s toy cars are all dump-trucks and racecars, not 80’s-model BMWs.

Kevin

Hometown: Tartu

Age: 28

Tagline: “I’m the tan man in the white van.”

Kevin grew up in Tartu but spends most of his time now in Helsinki, where he works as a bricklayer. Kevin’s biggest claim to fame is that he was the guy holding the camera in the Mis sul viga on? video. Kevin insists that his record-breaking consumption of 62 pints on the Helsinki – Tallinn ferry should qualify him as the world’s biggest rullnokk, but Priit disagrees – because he was coming from work, not going to work.

Kevin predicts that he’ll bring home more women than the other male roommates combined while in the Pärnu Shore house. He attributes his success with women to his muscular physique, which he sculpts constantly in the gym. Kevin says that if he’s not working, drinking in a parking lot, or eating sauce-soaked hamburgers from a kiosk, he’s in the gym pumping iron.

Heleen

Hometown: Tallinn

Age: 21

Tagline: “I look like an Oompa-loompa and a Viking had a baby.”

Helen is the self-proclaimed Queen of Tallinn, spending five nights a week in clubs and the other two in the back seats of old German luxury cars. Heleen, a mother of two, thinks spending a summer in the Pärnu Shore house will teach her how to be a better mother — because she’ll be nursing a hangover the entire time.

Heleen has spent the last 10 summers in Pärnu and knows the clubbing scene from top to bottom. She claims that a great Pärnu night always starts with six ciders and ends sometime the next week. As the roommate who has spent the most time in Pärnu, Heleen is looking forward to showing the rest of the cast what she calls the Rullnokk Routine: PPP (päevitamine, burksi söömine, ja pihku löömine).

Martin

Hometown: Võru

Age: 28

Tagline: “If I knew how to read, I’d look up rullnokk in the dictionary and read my biography.”

Martin claims that only Võru produces true rullnokks – he talks about this theory in length in his best-selling book, Minu Võru. Martin spends all of his free time – of which he has a lot, being unemployed – in the gym. His life’s goal is to grow his shoulders so large that he can’t turn his head.

Martin thinks he belongs in the Pärnu Shore house because rullnokk culture has deviated from its roots, and he wants to show the rest of the country how a true rullnokk behaves. Martin says he’s disgusted with the way so-called rullnokks act in clubs: drinking fancy drinks (instead of chugging vodka from the bottle), talking to friends (instead of beating them up), and leaving when the lights come on (instead of passing out hours earlier). Martin vows that he will be the new face of rullnokk culture in Estonia after Pärnu Shore airs, which is ironic because he requires plastic surgery every six months as a result of fighting.

Riina

Hometown: Tallinn

Age: 20

Tagline: “The only thing better than drinking cider all night is drinking cider all day.”

Riina has never spent a summer in Pärnu and worries that the lack of RyanAir connections to the small town will mean she might actually have to buy her own drinks. But while Riina may not be as optimistic about the summer as the rest of the roommates, she’s certain that viewers will consider her the biggest rullnokk in the house. She learned everything she knows about rullnokk culture from her older brother, who once made the drive from Tallinn to Tartu in 45 minutes – and then turned around after buying a hamburger.

Riina can be found most nights in some of the sleaziest bars in Tallinn talking to some of the sleaziest men in Europe. She loves going out and being the center of attention, which isn’t hard considering she wears the same skirts she used to dress her dolls with. Riina hopes the male roommates are good-looking and buff, otherwise she claims she won’t even learn their names.