Six signs that you’re too tan

I love this time of year: the air turns crisp and the sun retreats behind a layer of cloud cover that frequently treats Tallinn to short bursts of easy rain. But the best part about fall in Estonia is discovering which people regularly visit the solarium. Although not probable, it’s conceivable that someone in Estonia could have a tan during the summer. But sporting a tan in September is a farce; it’s a dead giveaway that a person goes tanning.

And while I’m no enemy of the artificial tan, some people are currently walking around Tallinn looking as if they locked themselves in a tanning bed and turned the dial to “crispy”. Here are six ways you can tell if you visit the tanning salon too often.

You’re frequently mistaken for a parking cone

If your skin has taken on the same shock-orange hue of a parking cone, you’re probably visiting the solarium too frequently. “But what’s wrong with being mistaken for a parking cone?,” you ask. “At least I won’t get hit by cars.”

Fair point. But people often use parking cones as improvised trash cans by putting garbage into the holes on the tops of them. Also, dogs pee on them.

Cheesy, bass-heavy porn music spontaneously begins playing whenever you’re around a member of the opposite sex

Picture this scenario: you discover that your refrigerator stopped working overnight, spoiling all of your cold cuts. You call a refrigerator repair man, who says he’ll come right over. But you’re dirty from playing softball with your sorority all morning: thinking you have at least 30 minutes, you jump into the shower. The doorbell rings, so you wrap a towel around yourself and open the door. Suddenly, porn music fills the air – it sounds like the opening credits of Seinfeld if the show had taken place in the 70s. You and the repairman lock eyes. “So,” he says. “I hear you’re having problems storing meat. I think I can be of assistance.”

Excessive tanning has turned your life into an adult entertainment movie. Congratulations, you’re a B-list porn star.

You’ve been invited to play an Oompa Loompa in a new Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie

While the Oompa Loompas from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory are associated with positive sentiments – they have respectable work ethics, they make something that everyone enjoys, they spontaneously break out into song – I doubt many people would feel comfortable sitting next to one on the bus. Which is to say, tanning your skin to the point that you look like an orange candy slave will most likely have a negative effect on your social life.

The broader point here is that, once a person’s skin color has left the “human tones” palette, that person is no longer doing themselves any favors by visiting the tanning salon.

People throw their drinks on you in public, thinking you’re on fire

I’ve never seen someone self-immolate, so I have no idea what it would look like. Most people don’t. That’s why it’d be easy to excuse someone for screaming “FIRE!” and throwing their drink on another person if that person’s skin radiated light and heat. I’ve had a few close calls on the tram with high school girls whose skin tone could best be described as “Minute Maid”.

Hunters stalk you, hoping to turn your skin into a handbag

One ironic side effect of excessive tanning is that it makes human skin look like that of a reptile. Some people apparently find that look attractive from a sexual perspective – keep me away from their porn collections – and some people find it attractive from a fashion perspective.

Unfortunately, in order for a snakeskin or alligator skin handbag to be produced, a snake or alligator has to die. Which is why it’s not advisable to tan yourself into looking like a lizard-human hybrid: people will try to kill you and turn your skin into multiple handbags.

Little children approach you constantly, asking for free KoolAid

The KoolAid man is one of the most beloved product spokesmen of all time – but being mistaken for him wouldn’t be very flattering. For one, the KoolAid man is extremely round: to be confused for him, a person would have to be morbidly obese. Second, the KoolAid man’s skin is a dark red hue: not only would tanning your skin to match that color cause physical harm, it’d also be ruinously expensive at 4 or 5 euros per tanning session.

If little children approach you on the street and ask you for free KoolAid, you’re too tan. You’re also attracting the attention of the police’s anti-pedophile task force.