Louis Zezeran
Choose your own adventure: A summer day in Tallinn
You are awoken by a strange sensation: thin banners of sunlight stream through your bedroom window, warming your face. You think at first that nuclear Armageddon is at hand — you consider which of your family members you’ll eat first to stay alive. But then you realize that something far less probable has actually happened. Summer has reached Estonia.
Not wanting to let the perfect weather go to waste, you immediately get dressed and head outside. Mobs of tourists continuously pass by the front door of your Old Town apartment, speaking a wide variety of languages.
An overweight Finnish man wearing a leather jacket approaches you and asks, in Finnish, where the nearest bar is. It’s 9am.
What do you do?
So you want to spend your summer vacation in Europe?
How splendid! A summer vacation in Europe will be a fabulous experience that you’ll cherish for years. Travelers from the United Kingdom, Canada, United States, and Australia visit Europe each tourist season without incident; however, some visitors have problems adjusting to the subtle differences between Europe and their homes. This guide aims to assist travelers in enjoying their time in Europe without experiencing confusion or embarrassment.
How to speak Estonian like a true Tallinner
Having lived in Tallinn for nearly a year now, I’ve become aware of a style of slang that doesn’t exist elsewhere in the country. Unfortunately, not many people seem to have a proper grasp of this special vocabulary: in fact, I sometimes think I’m the only one speaking it.
The basis of Tallinn slang is brevity: Tallinners are in a rush, and they want to say what needs to be said as quickly as possible. This is usually accomplished by dropping the first syllable of a word. For instance, when Tallinners greet each other, they don’t say Tere! – that’s too long and boring. It’s what my Grandmother might say to me if she knew any Estonian. And knew I live in Estonia.
Celebrate your stag party with Comedy Estonia!
I recently discovered a company in the UK that organizes stag parties across Europe for British men. One of their weekend packages caught my eye: it’s an exciting excursion to Tallinn which they have named Shooters and Hooters.
Tartu vs. Tallinn: The CouchSurfing Creep Reach test
Having lived in both Tartu and Tallinn, I’m asked all the time which city I like better. And like all loaded questions with an obvious best answer, I simply tell whoever is asking what I think they want to hear. I don’t feel qualified to judge the cities against each other because my opinion is biased: in Tartu, I lived as a student in a brand new apartment with a balcony overlooking the Emajõgi. In Tallinn, I spend eight hours a day in a cubicle, and my first apartment was located next to a whorehouse.
It’s the year 2050, and Estonia is one of the 5 richest countries in Europe
“Õpetaja, what is a time capsule?”
“A time capsule is a box full of things from the past, Pr11t. Someone from our school buried this box here in the year 2011. Isn’t that exciting, class? We’ll be seeing artifacts from the past today!”
Õpetaja Johnson’s young class shrieked in excitement as the school’s android groundskeeper dug furiously through the frozen dirt. Õpetaja Johnson shivered and struggled to remember the last time the temperature had dipped below 25C in January. She questioned whether this whole concept of global warming had any real science behind it.
6 characters I see every day on the Tallinn trolley
Being an environmentally-conscious citizen (read: too poor to afford a car), I take public transportation to work every day at 8:30 in the morning. And every day, I share a trolley car with the same six characters – not necessarily the same people, but the same walking stereotypes that put my 45-minute journey somewhere between “six-hour layover in Riga airport” and “fully invasive root canal” on the tolerability scale. These are the names I have given them.
The Yuppie-in-Training
Decked out in a Baltman suit that looks like it was stolen from a used car salesman’s closet, The Yuppie-in-Training is a 20-22-year-old college kid who usually hops on the trolley at Vabaduse Väljak and gets off near TTÜ. To distract himself from the lesser elements of society surrounding him, he reads the news on his iPhone – or, more frequently, his Nokia iPhone equivalent. Ask him about the state of the NASDAQ OMX Tallinn or a recent merger and between Finnish and Norwegian scrap metal companies, and he’ll blather on effortlessly. Ask him about his plans for the weekend, and his response comes less quickly.
Never in my life have I seen more young college guys wearing suits than on the Tallinn trolley. Since they always get off at the TTÜ stop, I have to wonder when computer science became a discipline with a dress code other than grease-stained t-shirt and jean shorts.
The 5 worst pick-up lines I have overheard in Tallinn
People-watching is my favorite hobby, but I think most people do it incorrectly. What’s the point of observing sober daytime behavior? The best of humanity is exhibited in bars, pubs, and clubs – at night, when everyone is drunk, lonely, and shameless. What follows are the 5 worst pick-up lines I have overheard in Tallinn.
5. “Tell me how beautiful I am in the Estonian language.”
Location: Suur-Karja (on the street), near Nimeta
Nationality of the Offender: American
Background: This one was cringe-worthy for multiple reasons. The first is that this guy was not at all beautiful; in fact, he was ugly, had a nasally, Midwestern accent, and the distended gut pouring out of the bottom of his ill-fit t-shirt looked like a bicycle tire being stepped on. Given his shave, I guessed he was in the military.
The second problem I had with this pickup line was what prefaced it: before demanding that this woman lie about his appearance, he asked, “So, what language do you speak in Estonia?”